I seem to be a positive, lively person. I never thought of myself as being negative until one day after having an extended conversation with a girfriend, I realised that we bitched for two hours. Yeah, we bitched over everything and more. I took stock of myself and did not like what I saw. I realised that I was heading for a bit of a depression. A bit of a downward slide towards something not too pleasant.

All the things that I love didn’t seem to interest me any more. My long walks in the forest with Mozart were becoming a chore and instead of greeting people with my broad grin, I began to mutter something incomprehensible. My cell phone was turned off more than on because I really had not the energy for other people calling. Inevitably people ask you a retoricle question “How are you”. They want you to say “great”. I really don’t feel like pretending that all is well with the world when it isn’t (for me anyway). I can’t pretend any more. I just want to follow my true path whatever that may be. I am still trying to figure that out. I have decided to give myself permission to take two years off from the world around me and concentrate on what I really want to do with my life. I have spent my life pleasing and appeasing others. Time to take care of me now.

I found that once I made that conscious decision to do so, I felt better. I wrote down a series of goals in my life of what I really want to do and if it is attainable. The more I wrote down these goals, I realised that may be they are not so unrealistic after all.

First on my list was a Shamanic weekend in Scotland. I won’t bore you with the details but when I came home, I felt absolutely empowered. I released my past and all the garbage that I had been walking around with. It’s amazing what one weekend can do with two amazing Shamanic Healers. I found myself letting go of a lot of fears that have haunted me all my life. I left them behind in Scotland in a safe place. Time to move on. Time to live.

Next on my list was a Reiki weekend. I attended and felt so at home that I now want to continue on this path of healing wherever it may take me. But first I have to work on myself big time. The seeds of doubt are always waiting to grasp at you at the most unexpected moments. Yes, I am writing a book and am engrossed in my past whilst writing it. It is a wonderful way of finally putting things to rest but it does take its toll. I feel elated yet depressed because I want to get so many things done and quickly.

This is where we have to fight our own invisible enemy. The enemy of our own perceptions of ourselves. I always thought that I was a caotic and disorganised person. Everybody told me that so I believed it and now I realise that it is not the true perception of who I am. I am actually very well-organised and am very capable of a structured way of life. However, it is another thing if you want to choose to be so. I was told when I was a child at the convent’s school choir that I could not sing. It haunted me for a long time because I was always singing from a very young age. Now I know I can sing and have a beautiful voice (if I may say so). So, now when a person says to me something negative about themselves or about me, I just ask the simple question “Do you perceive this to be true?” Truth is not our enemy. It is the fear behind the perception.

I will just say to all of you. We are all capable of many tasks. Choose the path that you love with dignity and truthfulness. Choose your path with integrity and without fear. I have and believe me, although it is not an easy one, my path will be one of greatness. We are all wounded warriors on this great path of life. But our scars will heal and after bleeding, we will move on with great clarity and fearlessness. I am and you will too. Good luck.
 

Niamh

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